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Escalating warfare

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If the scriptures had made refence to GOF’s Ark instead of Noah’s, the world would be a very different place.

There would be no paralysis ticks, snakes, bandicoots, white-tailed rats, cockatoos, possums, leeches, bunyips, mosquitoes, aphids, termites, Clostridium welchii Type D’s, or intestinal tapeworms.

But most importantly, there would be no pigs.

Australian feral pig

You see, feral pigs give me  the absolute screaming #%@&!%# sh.. reason to feel slightly annoyed.

My irresponsible neighbouring landowner, the National Park Authority, through neglectful and incompetent management, breeds thousands of pigs in their rainforest, then allows them to dine out for all three meals a day at GOF’s Place.

Some years ago we grew the world’s most magnificent half-acre of taro (root vegetable).

Two weeks before harvest time, the “Oinker Weekly” newspaper must have leaked this information in the “Dining-out” supplement, because by harvest day there was nothing left.

Q.  Why did I not call upon my human intellectual superiority, ingenuity, and high-powered artillery to obliterate these looters?

A.  Well……let’s not beat about the bush, pigs are smarter than GOF.

If I hunted them during the day, the pigs would hide in the jungle, building up their appetites until after the sun went down.

When I tried spotlighting at night, they would smirkingly hide just inside the leafy borders of the demilitarised and protected National Park until my batteries went flat before gathering up their eating utensils and serviettes to enjoy a moonlight taro dining experience with their entire extended family.

By strange coincidence we don’t grow food crops any more, so the pigs just entertain themselves by digging up my lawn and gardens.

5 acres of this

I still make token attempts to enforce sovereignty over our 46 acres.  With shotgun in hand, I conduct Elmer Fudd style foot patrols and stake out their favourite haunts and nightclubs to ambush them.


Every pig knows that, being as blind as a bat wearing welding goggles, GOF couldn’t shoot a side-on bull elephant at ten paces, so they continue to conduct business as usual.

These days they just taunt me with rude trotter gestures, and arrogantly wander around wearing ear muffs donated by the
do-gooding Animal Liberationist folk to protect themselves from any hearing loss which might result from frequent exposure to close-range firearm discharge.

This sort of over-confidence will eventually lead to their downfall.

I swear that if one ever gets to within two metres of me I’ll clobber the bastard over the head with the blunt end of my shotgun.


About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

31 responses »

  1. ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You make me laugh so hard. The picture at the top is quite horrifying. My 19 year old son would be delighted to come over and hunt the pigs with you. He actually had mentioned wanting to hunt them, a desire that I totally could not understand.

    (please post a picture of YOU striding around with an Elmer Fudd hat on, trying to guard the borders of your property.) 😆

    • Thank you Freedom for the offer of using your son for this project. He will be welcome at any time, but without a good pig dog he is unlikely to be able to catch a pig in all the dense vegetation.

      re the picture of Gof Fudd…..I think the one you have in your mind is better than any I could provide. 🙂

  2. As I’ve mentioned before – there is an open season on feral pigs here for just the reasons you mention. Park land? Oh, well, then just shoot them and drag them out.

    About like the law in Oklahoma that says it’s okay to shoot an intruder in your home … so just shoot someone and drag them in through the door.

    • “there is an open season on feral pigs here ”
      In other areas of Queensland they have “competitions” over a weekend with prizes for whoever can catch the greatest weight of pigs over that period, but our rainforest is so dense that you only rarely get an opportunity to shoot one.

      You Oklahomans are very innovative with the interpretation of laws regarding humans. 🙂

  3. We have feral pigs here in our backcountry too. Some boneheads in a neighboring Indian reservation thought it’d be a great idea to release them there, never thinking that they might not want to stay within their unfenced boundaries. Now the damn things (which breed like bunnies) are causing car accidents at night, worrying casual hikers about safety, and taking over the ecosystem in which they do not belong. DFG is now issuing pig tags for hunting out here. I wish they’d come out and kill them all.

    • You would certainly understand how I feel Kimkiminy.
      I am surprised National Parks don’t feel some ecological obligation to control the pigs because huge expanses of forest floor are cultivated by the pigs which eat all the seeds that should be germinating into young trees. Instead, they have banned pig hunters from coming out here with their dogs….the only practical way to catch pigs in this country.

  4. Really, GOF. These are all God’s creatures you are wanting to kill…… Eh? Did I hear you say “Then let God feed the ^*^)(^*)(()%(%s!”. Thinking……. Didn’t he say something about casting the swine out of somewhere or another? Read your bible, my son. I doubt you’ll find how he did it, but it’ll take your mind off those ^%((%((%( feral pigs for a while.

    • “Read your bible, my son.”

      Thank you Father Snowy. I realise now that I am in desperate need of your moderating theological counsel. I’ll mention my problem next time I am speaking to Him.

  5. PS. I like your blog theme and layout also. It was my first choice, but it wouldn’t let me do a couple of things I wanted to do. Maybe if I’d persevered instead of being the impatient b…d I am, I might have stayed with it.

  6. I noticed that we had coincidentally selected the same theme. I’ll stick with this one because it is simple in design and I am afraid that if I try to change it, the blog baby along with all the bathwater might get swooshed down some cyber plughole.

    (I suspect it’s probably better that our vox refugee friends continue to seek technical help from you rather than me Snowy) 🙂

  7. Elmer Fudd and rude trotter gestures, pure GOF!

    I do sympathise. We have some nocturnal visitors who find out pencil pines at the front of the house irresistible and every free weeks strip branches from it. We leave lights on etc but to no avail. Just as the trees slowly start to recover they return. We are thinking possums. Nothing like your filthy porkers of course but I do see the beauty of your gun sitting there…

    When are our government agencies going to get the idea that sustainability doesn’t mean do nothing.

    • I’ll lend you my gun when I’ve finished with it FD. I suppose you can’t put metal collars around the tree trunks to stop anything climbing up?

      Great point with your final sentence. They are happy to prosecute pig hunters, while failing to acknowledge that they themselves are the main problem.

  8. Hmm, well….I’ll trade you your pigs for the rats at my parents’ house. I’m sure the piggies are a nuisance, but there’s nothing like seeing a fresh, warm rat poop on top of a basket of just-picked tomatoes. And a single bite taken out of each tomato on top of the basket. After seeing that, I’d be happy to take on wild pigs. I might even be happy to mud-wrestle with some of them. 😉

    • “I’ll trade you your pigs for the rats at my parents’ house”

      One container load of pigs despatched yours this morning HG. Expect arrival two weeks. Please refill and return container with your rats. Address for return; GOF, Parliament House, Canberra, Australia.

      We have a wax based rat bait called “Tomcat” here which effectively solves rat problems. 🙂

  9. Have you ever considered the use of land mines round your property. Yes, you may end up with a garden bordered by largish craters but the pigs will not get into your veg patch and you can gather up what’s left each morning and start up your own bacon shop. Win win situation….

    • You are my explosives, munitions and creosote advisor Vicola. Whatever you say, goes.

      I’m into bulk quantities of stuff this morning.

      Please send a container load of land mines addressed to; GOF, Parliament House, Canberra, Australia.

      (Message to CIA, ASIO and Scotland Yard…….Vicola and GOF are only exercising their rather peculiar senses of humour and we hereby certify that no explosives of any kind have ever, or ever will be, exchanged or otherwise proliferated around the world by them. Thank you. We’ll send you some smoky bacon in compensation for your inconvenience.)

  10. PMSL – but very sympathetic!!!
    We have “issues” with legal beasts – ie cattle that belong to the farmer who owns this property.
    At various times we have had calves squeeze through the fence to consume as much as they can from our vegie garden (more of an issue last year when our yard was very much a green oasis amongst a sea of very dry paddocks!)
    As for the bull – he takes the mickey big time – will drink from a hand held hose – and then dine on any number of the hibiscus trees or other flowers (sunflowers etc he can reach over the fence).
    Heaven help any child who leaves a gate open…..
    My revenge – fire up the BBQ…..I wonder do they know I am cooking steaks? Do they smell the flesh of their “brothers” cooking?? Do I care?? NO!!! They stand and watch over the fence…..
    Bloody angus beef all the rage – bloody nuisance to live with!!!

    Have you ever done pork on the BBQ???

    • Thanks for your story CC…..I know exactly how you feel….we used to have neighbours who thought it was OK to graze their pet calves in our sweet potato paddock. I like your “revenge”…even if it did not work all that well, it was probably therapeutic for you at least.

      We don’t have barbecues all that often…..mainly because it too wet for a large part of the year, but I’m sure BBQ pork would be very nice. Advice is not to eat feral pigs at all because of the parasites they harbour…….having said that, there is quite a thriving export market for feral pig carcases to Germany where apparently it is regarded as a delicacy.

  11. “smirkingly hide just inside the leafy borders of the demilitarised and protected National Park”

    I *so* know what you’re talking about.

    “if one ever gets to within two metres of me I’ll clobber the bastard over the head with the blunt end of my shotgun”

    Good luck with that! I’m sort of afraid of razorbacks…we don’t quite have them but they’re really close–too close. I suppose if I’d grown up with them around, I’d not be afraid. Did I mention I hate hogs? We had loads of them (along with every other kind of “normal” farm animal) and they were a threat.


    To a very small child working animals, if I fell down, they’d bite me and as you know, hogs’ teeth can slice through human flesh AND BONE like a hot knife through butter. I’d have bled to death long before anybody noticed from but one bite. Even if somebody was right there, I’d have bled to death before they got me to the nearest hospital 40 miles away. So! I still have that knowledge that they could unintentionally kill my arse.

    I also didn’t enjoy feeding them chicken heads. They enjoyed them too much.

    • You have to be really wary of feral pigs… you say MT, their tusks can do serious, serious damage.
      The pig hunters have all their dogs wearing heavy duty leather armour, but sometimes it is not enough.

      The last pig I “Elmer Fudded” …….I blasted away at it from about 20 metres……the gunshot noise made him jump 3 feet into the air……he couldn’t work out which direction it came from so came running back in my direction, so Elmer had to take some rapid evasive action……not enough time to load another cartridge into the gun. 🙂

  12. With your stated shooting skills it doesn’t sound like you’ll be having crackling any time soon…

  13. Why in the world does the Park System feel this was a good idea? Wait, I probably don’t want to know. I am betraying every value I have here by saying this, but a good deep covered pit would probably bag you at least one of them. It would take a long time and may kill children instead of feral pigs, but……well, I’d better stop before I get myself in real trouble here.

    • Ooh! Good idea!
      [wait, was that out loud?]
      Never mind!

    • Remember, if you ever need a character witness reference for a job application Emmi, you will receive a glowing one from me. 🙂

      In defense of the National Parks, the pigs were not their idea….they just got lumbered with some pigs already living in the bush when they declared the reserves many years ago……my gripe is that they do not do anything at all to try and control the pig population.


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