RSS Feed

Secret men’s business

Posted on

What follows is culturally sensitive information.

It includes profound wisdom and enlightenment as provided by an elder of the tribe to a young man as part of the rites of passage into adulthood.

Accordingly it is inappropriate for it to be seen by women, so I would kindly request that you, should you happen to be of the feminine persuasion, toddle off to your favourite blog while this discussion is taking place here.  
Thank you.  I have constructed an impenetrable barbed wire fence and, at great cost, employed a security guard with dog to deter those of you with a disobedient disposition.

.

.

.

.


.

                                                       STOP
.+++++++++++++++++++{ Sex check boom gate}++++++++++++++++

GOF the Elder;   Good evening young Alvin, and what are you up
                             to tonight with your flashlight and clobbering-stick
                             in hand?

Alvin                    I was just on my way to check out the koala,
                            numbat and kookaburra traps we set today.
                            It's roast dinner day tomorrow and Mum's short of
                            meat.

GOF                   Good work young fella, but why the long face?
                            You look scared.  What's the problem?
                           
Alvin;                   GOF, I just passed by Grandma's house and I
                            overheard her and some of the other women
                            telling frightening stories about some "Man of
                            Paws".
                            It sounded scary and I was afraid that I might
                            meet up with him tonight in the dark.

GOF;     Alvin, you have very good reason to be scared, but
              unless you make a serious error of judgment by succumbing
              to the advances of the cougar with big boobs next door,
              this thing should not confront you for at least 30 years.

              What the women were talking about son was something
              called menopause. It is a temporary seasonal condition
              which affects the women of our village during the early
              Autumn of their lives.
              Relief for them is only gained by unloading all the pain,
              misery and frustration onto us men of the tribe.

Alvin;     GOF, Sir, (Alvin is very respectful of the elders in his
              village) is there any way I can avoid this bad thing
              happening to me?

GOF;     Yes Alvin, there are three ways.
               Please come and sit down.
               You see that big mountain in the distance silhouetted by
               the moon?  Well, you can choose to go and live the rest
               of your life in celibate isolation in the big cave near the
               top of that mountain.

Alvin;      What is "celibate"?

GOF;     Let's just take one step at a time Alvin and deal with one
               bad thing before moving on to another.

Alvin;     O.K.  What are the other two ways to avoid this
              unspeakable happening GOF, elder of mine?

GOF;     Well, you can either wait a very long time until you are old
              and wrinkly, then marry a girl at least 40 years your junior,
              OR become gay.

Alvin;     Bugger!, Damn! and Holy Hell!

GOF;     Watch your language please Alvin.

Alvin;      Sorry GOF, I don't know what came over me.
               Big Bertha taught me those bad words.
               What exactly is this menopause thing?
 
 GOF;     Menopause is like……..well it's hard to explain.
               Imagine you owned a railway line which went
               all around this huge continent of Australia, and then you
               found a brand new steam locomotive to drive on
               these tracks of yours.
               Your loco is of course now in perfect running condition.
               Groovy painted exterior, a well oiled piece of machinery and
                it goes like the clappers, and doesn't rattle or make too
                much noise.
                In short it runs like a  dream……well at  least on average for
                27 days every month anyway.

Alvin;      Ooh yes! I'd like that Uncle GOF.   I like trains.

GOF;     Well Alvin, after 30 odd years of faithfully choofing around
              Australia, your loco will lose a little exterior gloss after
              having collided with a few old cows and other feral animals,
              then become quite squeaky and noisy, and even begin to
              exhibit some startling and peculiar behaviours.

Alvin;     Like what GOF?

GOF;    Well, primarily you will notice that the boiler regularly tends
              to overheat when least expected. When this happens, it is
              best to leave it alone completely and give it lots of time to
              cool down.

Alvin;     What if I stay, and play around with some taps, dials,
              levers and other things, and talk nicely to it and try to help?

GOF;    Very bad mistake Alvin.  I have seen some terrible things
              happen.  Some of these old locos have been known to
              spew forth steam, smoke and embers enough to drive a
              man completely into another occupation. 
              Occasionally some of them have even been known to
              fly completely off the rails.
 
Alvin;    It seems to me then GOF that when it happens I should
             pretend to be a wise monkey…..plug up my ears with some
             Eminem in the iPod, shut my mouth, cover my eyes, and
             most importantly never touch my loco until combustion has
             diminished and taken it's natural course.
             What happens then GOF?

GOF;   What happens eventually Alvin is nothing short of a miracle.
            The locomotive resumes it's travels as if nothing had
             happened, with a renewed sense of purpose,
             happily blowing it's whistle before every level crossing and
             train station, and startling all of the bystanders who happened
             to witness any of the previous malfunctions..

Alvin;    These locos operate in peculiar ways, don't they GOF.

GOF;    Ahh yes son, indeed they do.

Alvin;    Now, what's this "celibate" thing you mentioned.
             I notice you've been trying to avoid the issue.

GOF;    Celibacy, my dear Alvin is what is known as the
             "greater of two evils."
         
             
.

.

(Ed;    For his own safety and protection GOF has been sent on
           sabbatical to a remote monastery in Tibet.)

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Advertisements

About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

28 responses »

  1. I think I want directions to that cave …

    Reply
  2. Even if the girl reader took a class in reproduction? (I inseminated a cow, how much worse could this be?) πŸ˜€

    Reply
  3. I think I want directions to that cave …Given the right conditions any old cave will do the job GOM πŸ™‚

    Reply
  4. Even if the girl reader took a class in reproduction? You have been granted an "Honorary Male Pass" to get you through the gate Emmi. :-)(I inseminated a cow, how much worse could this be?) πŸ˜€ I've also had my arm up each neighboring orifice at a cow's rear end …..we share a special bond :-)I hope this doesn't open the floodgates for my neighbors to start relating stories of what orifices of what animals they have investigated. It would lower the tone of my blog. πŸ™‚

    Reply
  5. Too funny GOF! Did your cow, I mean your locomotive, oh, I mean your wife read this??? lol

    Reply
  6. Ok, ok. I haven't inseminated a cow. I have been through menopause, though. So I gave myself permission to read this and laugh very loudly. I promise no animal orifice stories. Speaking of lowering the tone….I keep seeing the name Grouchy Old Man and now GOM…so….is GOF possibly Grouchy Old Fart?

    Reply
  7. Did your cow, I mean your locomotive, oh, I mean your wife read this???Mrs GOF is not interested in the railways Ladywise….she prefers photography πŸ™‚ Besides, I have no wish to go hungry for the next week πŸ™‚

    Reply
  8. I promise no animal orifice stories. Thank you for your restraint Lauri. Greatly appreciated. Indeed this is the original Grumpy Old Fart. Those having achieved "grouchy" status require an additional ten years of devotion and practise to be elevated into the Distinguished Order of Grumpiness. πŸ™‚

    Reply
  9. LOL. I just read an article on HRT in the New York Times today and read and laughed (and then shared with the manservant) the following paragraph:"….wondrously bland phrasing of the medical texts. I’m
    sorry, but only someone who has never experienced one could describe a
    day of β€œI would stab everyone I know with a fork if only I could stop
    weeping long enough to get out of this car” as a β€œmood swing.”

    Reply
  10. I look forward to your wise words on how to deal with celibacy and "the power surges" at the same time. Also, I hope Alvin has been instructed on the tradition of the Man Shed.Ouch.I just got stabbed with a fork.

    Reply
  11. β€œI would stab everyone I know with a fork if only I could stop weeping long enough to get out of this car” as a β€œmood swing.”It is with this sort of thing in mind that I approached this subject with a great deal of caution…….before nicking off to Tibet just to be sure. πŸ™‚

    Reply
  12. I look forward to your wise words on how to deal with celibacyAlvin has got a great deal on his mind at the moment…….I think he's gone next door to discuss it with Big Bertha.I'll wait until a more appropriate moment before discussing celibacy with him. It's probably a waste of time right now.

    Reply
  13. GOF, your security patrol is very easily led astray. I just batted my eye lashes and winked and they grinned and got so confused, they let me walk on through.Your post is hilarious! You are very clever in explaining the "facts of later life." I, for one, am petrified of experiencing the boiler overheating and the train running off the tracks. Yikes. My mother never discussed the travails that the loco encounters and because of that, I think I am even more worried than I would be otherwise. Now that I have read your words to Alvin, I wish that there was a cave for me….even better, would it not make more sense if I was ensconced in a 5-star motel for a few days a month, when the loco gets a bit older and the boiler overheats. Seems to me that it would make a lot more sense than having to be around Mr and have him "stay, and play around with some taps, dials, levers and
    other things, and talk nicely to it and try to help!"

    Reply
  14. GOF, your security patrol is very easily led astray.I'm disgusted with the security arrangements Freedom….my borders have been severely breached and someone must have cut a big hole in my fence. The security guard has been sacked and I sent the dog off to an Institute for guide-dog training.I hope your loco continues to travel with a minimum of inconvenience to yourself or anyone else….it sometimes happens that way……..apparently :-)The 5-star hotel idea is good if you can get away with it πŸ™‚

    Reply
  15. Y'know, I think the comments from your female Vox neighbors outnumber the guys by three already. So much for all your injunctions about women not reading this—though I am apt to believe you deliberately wrote that intro so we would look at this post.

    Reply
  16. I think the comments from your female Vox neighbors outnumber the guys by three already.1. Inadequate security. 2. I underestimated female inquisitiveness and ingenuity. 3. Men are so in awe of my knowledge of railways that they are speechless.
    Funny interpretation of menopause.You've got to laugh at it (when it's all over)….just like a man's "mid-life crisis".Agreed. Not funny at the time.

    Reply
  17. Y'know, GOF, just when I think your posts can't get any better, then you come along with this gem. I'm thinking that you should be a script writer for Hey, Hey it's Saturday, or some other Aussie cultural institutions.

    Reply
  18. πŸ™‚ excellent post GOF… I almost feel sorry for you guys.oh and I was worried GOF might stand for George Ozborn Faraway or some other actual name… and you'd be insulted if you knew I thought of you as Grumpy Old Fart in my head… glad to know that's what it was all along.Enjoy Tibet… they do have a railroad to Lhasa now.. so you might be safer from runaway trains in Greenland.

    Reply
  19. [I don't know if this is good because I am a good girl and didn't read this.]

    Reply
  20. LOL!! Thank you for the pass, I wouldn't want to try and get past the guards, they look vigilant. You forgot the other option for young men, which is to avoid the ways of the Cougar by learning to hunt like a Cheetah (alternate name for Tiger Woods….). He has yet to find that monestary, though…….

    Reply
  21. Thank you Snowy. An evaluation like that coming from you is an honour. I am so glad you enjoyed the story.

    Reply
  22. and you'd be insulted if you knew I thought of you as Grumpy Old Fart in my head… glad to know that's what it was all along.I figured that if I insulted myself right from the beginning then it would prevent anyone else from getting any traction on the road of insults. :-)Enjoy Tibet.I think I might come back now……all of you wonderful women in my neighborhood have been incredibly tolerant and generous.

    Reply
  23. [I don't know if this is good because I am a good girl and didn't read this.]I knew from the beginning that you were probably the only good girl in my 'hood who I could trust implicitly……..some of the others….tsk tsk tsk…..they seduced my security guard and broke down my fence 😦

    Reply
  24. You forgot the other option for young men, which is to avoid the ways of the Cougar.No young man should avoid the ways of the cougar Emmi. πŸ™‚ I speak as a previously young man who spent an entire young adulthood sadly free of the attentions of any cougar. :-)Thanks for the Tiger Woods reference…..that's my education for the day πŸ™‚

    Reply
  25. Ok I didn’t think I’d find anything about this whole thing funny but you’re great. Added to my menopause woes, my sides now hurt as well! Oh I know I shouldn’t have read it, you did say, but if you know so much about us you’ll know we don’t follow directions! πŸ™‚

    Reply
    • Thank you for your comment. Perhaps most of all I am astonished that you even found this post here on WordPress, as I only use it as a backup for all the nonsense I write on Vox. I am delighted that you found nothing offensive…..I do understand the seriousness of menopause in the lives of women and approaching the subject with humor was the only appropriate way for an unqualified man to write about it.

      Reply
  26. "Palais de Pooch": that's where I leave the old boiler to cool off… or more accurately, it's where I get sent to reflect on my sins ;-D

    Reply
  27. "Palais de Pooch": that's where I leave the old boiler to cool off… or more accurately, it's where I get sent to reflect on my sins ;-D I had the coincidental foresight to build myself a reasonably comfortable doghouse down the bottom of the garden 18 years ago…..it saves me from catching fleas when I am sent there. πŸ™‚

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: