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Stirring up some scientists

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I am convinced that one day humans are going to evolve into large blobs of cerebral matter encased in sallow skin with a texture like tripe, where all means of self propulsion have been lost through neglect. They will be totally reliant upon mechanical locomotion.

"Rumination genes" will become dominant, and "common sense detector genes" recessive, while all of our accumulated artisan and practical physical skills will be lost forever.

The early signs are evident.

Our world is increasingly populated by philosophers, cogitators and theorists who would not know a grommet from a gimlet, or be able to identify a wigwam for a goose's bridle even if it came up in broad daylight with sirens blaring and bit them on the arse five times in a row.

Furthermore, many of those with all the brains are wasting their lives by concentrating on minutiae.

I, of course, have an example for you, just to annoy any critics who might like to suggest that I write nothing but unsubstantiated rubbish.

Three researchers spent 5 months at the MacFarlane Burnet Institute in Melbourne cooking up the following piece of intellectual swill;

"Longitudinal Cohort Study of the displacement of teaspoons in an Australian research Institute"

Motivated by the regular disappearance of teaspoons from the tearooms in this boffin sanctuary, the erudite trio wasted somebody's money determining eventually (with a statistical significance P=0.88) that indeed 80% of teaspoons disappeared from the tearooms during the trial period.  
Spoon replacement cost; $A100 per year.

So what practical recommendations or solutions did this educated-beyond-their-intelligence lot come up with?

None. Zero. SFA.

Instead they provided one little gem of bureaucratic equivocation;

"Development of effective control measures against the loss of teaspoons should be a priority."

Now this piece of academic drivel was published in the highly respected British Medical Journal, (whose motto incidentally is; "helping doctors make better decisions") and presumably doctors all around the world made the stupid decisions to read it when they could have been doing something useful…like treating patients.

So, for the benefit of the three geniuses who were bereft of practical solutions, please allow GOF, the intellectual mouse, to help you out.

1. Anchor the spoons to some anvils, wall studs or concrete pillars
    with short lengths of towing chain welded to the spoon handles.

2. Superglue the spoons into the ends of 6 foot long broomsticks.
    If you see someone who looks suspiciously like the Wicked
    Witch flying out the door after work you can make a reasonable
    assumption that she probably has one of your precious
    teaspoons tucked between her legs.

3. Buy a hundred battered teaspoons from the Lifeline Opportunity
    Shop, then further disfigure them with my 12 inch fencing pliers.
    Then you can waste another 5 months longitudinally and
    cohortionally studying just how many of them your light-fingered
    staff knocked off in comparison to all your poncy silver
    fancy-pants $100 a year cutlery.

4. Compulsory strip searches for all staff leaving the tearooms.
    (Any volunteers? Prior experience and knowledge of what a
    teaspoon looks like and the places where they can be hidden
    will be viewed favourably.)

5. Provide plastic spoons or wooden stirrers.  Or is that beneath
    your collective over-educated dignity?

Sheesh!  Why do I bother.

Now, in what nook of our cave did Mrs GOF hide my spears this week.

I'm going out on a very long trek to see if I can catch me a hairy mammoth for dinner.

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About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

19 responses »

  1. This experiment would have been so much more funny had they paid for it themselves. It is amusing, though. Should they be paid to find my lost socks as well? I also love that you've written two posts in a row that mention hiding stuff where the sun don't shine…..bikes, spoons, who needs carry on bags anymore?
    who would not know a grommet from a gimlet, or be able to identify a wigwam for a goose's bridle even if it came up in broad daylight with sirens blaring and bit them on the arse five times in a row.
    Isn't that the truth. Wouldn't it be funny to watch them change a flat tire?

    Reply
  2. 6. Drill holes in all your spoons so those heroin-heads stop "borrowing" them to cook up in?7. Screen new employees on the basis of past incidences of spoon theft. Lie detector screening recommended. 8. Install a guard-ferret in the tea room drawer. Or just a steel jawed leghold trap…. pass me a mammoth drumstick, will yer?

    Reply
  3. I like 7 on LOM's list.
    They could employ my boss' old tactic….go into a violent fit of rage over every missing spoon incident.

    Reply
  4. Charge a $1.00 fee per spoon, to be reimbursed upon return.OR … something the egghead types will like even more – put a GPS chip on the handle of each spoon and waste even more money tracking them down and prosecuting the thieves …

    Reply
  5. Hmm, the proximity of a certain date would have nothing to do with this
    study, I suppose. Then again…Snowy's solution is to supply no teaspoons at all. Let the buggers bring their own.

    Reply
  6. I also love that you've written two posts in a row that mention hiding stuff where the sun don't shine….. Thanks for reminding me Emmi….. I would hate to damage my good reputation by repetition and dealing with unsavoury topics.Last week it was boobs…….well we're apparently heading south so next week might be all about toes and feet. :-)And yep..LOM's got her finger on the pulse….there's no way I'm ever going to try and steal a teaspoon from her place….especially with those guard ferrets around πŸ™‚

    Reply
  7. Thank you LOM…..I knew when I was writing this that we should have been in collaboration. It took me hours to come up with 5 recommendations, and you required just 2 minutes to add another three. I'm still leaning towards strip searches….thought GOM might have expressed an interest in helping me, but he's sending me off on some other high-tech path.Or just a steel jawed leghold trap. Ha!….now you're in my field of expertise……I can convert one of my rabbit traps.Big drumstick and a few spare ribs on the way to you LOM. πŸ™‚

    Reply
  8. Charge a $1.00 fee per spoon, to be reimbursed upon return.Thank you GOM for your enterprising suggestions…….I'm counting on you to give me a hand if I get overwhelmed by my strip searching responsibilities……they apparently have 6 separate tearooms in the establishment. πŸ™‚

    Reply
  9. Hmm, the proximity of a certain date would have nothing to do with this study, I suppose. It was published in the BMJ on 24th December 2005 Snowy…..maybe Santa's little helpers were knocking off all the spoons.Let the buggers bring their own.
    Yeah….and their coffee, and their cups…….y'know when I was a boy Snowy………….oops….oh you were there too:-)

    Reply
  10. I've got one for them to study: iPods, or indeed any other variety of item that has those earphones with skinny wires. How is it that you put them down in a sensible manner with the wires next to them and when you come back to them, the wires have inexplicably tied themselves into a knot that takes half an hour to undo? How does that happen? Is there some sort of musical gnome who thinks it's funny to tie up the iPod when you're not in the room? I need answers.,.

    Reply
  11. Oooooh, even better – a small explosive device installed in each spoon with a remote detonator. Or just a security field around the tearoom door so that any spoon leaving the tearoom simply explodes (or maybe melts into a puddle of acid). It fits well with my philosophy of life "if I can't have this spoon, then I'm damned if you can have it either!" …. or maybe the spoon could be remotely triggered to just release a pheromone irresistible to woolly mammoths? Whatever the case, to cover their collective arses, a warning sign should be posted: "Spoon thieves shall be soundly buggered by woolly mammoths!" should do it.

    Reply
  12. How does that happen? Is there some sort of musical gnome who thinks it's funny to tie up the iPod when you're not in the room? I need answers.,. And how come those little ear buds always seek out and hook up on any loose items in the vicinity.?Leave it with me Vicola……I've got heaps of spare time coming up and now that I have studied the methodology of dumb research all I really need is financial sponsorship.

    Reply
  13. OK…now that I've picked myself up off the floor and have my mirth under control……..I think we'd better patent or whatever they do for the movie rights. An entire herd of mammoths rampaging through the Burnet Institute……..except we might have a little difficulty getting a film classification from the censorship board and attracting big-name actors. :-)Thank you for the most innovative comment ever posted on my blog…….now I've got to go and get rid of some extraordinary images of explosives, acid, mammoths and scientists that are floating around in my head πŸ™‚

    Reply
  14. Well …. the company I work for decided not to supply teaspoons after people continued to steal them. Ditto almost everything else in the lunchroom!

    Reply
  15. I do so love reading your writings… wit and wisdom.

    Reply
  16. Oh, it makes one despair of human beings. But….despite these kinds of idiocies, there is progress being made on other fronts. Isn't there?!?!

    Reply
  17. the company I work for decided not to supply teaspoons That would seem to be the most simple solution……I'm surprised people could actually be bothered stealing cutlery from the workplace.

    Reply
  18. Thanks Lauri.But….despite these kinds of idiocies, there is progress being made on other fronts.
    Isn't there?!?!Sounds like a blogging opportunity for you Lauri….I also have my doubts πŸ™‚

    Reply
  19. Thank you FD…..I know you must be pressed for time with all your other commitments in life, so I appreciate your taking the time to read my stuff.

    Reply

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