Sustaining a marriage over a long period of time is a complex balancing act with a degree of difficulty equivalent to tightrope walking with counter-rotating hula hoops and all the while juggling half a dozen double-edged swords, any of which in a moment of inattention, might chop off something important.
Up until recently I figured Mrs GOF had, over a period of 30 something years saved me close to $5000 by doing all my hairdressing.
It's not that I am ungrateful, but it remains one of my "swords".
Where do young hairdressers normally begin learning?
Do they start on laboratory animals, poodles or store dummies before progressing to humans? Mrs GOF practised on me, and for a long time I went around looking like a startled lemur having a bad hair day before she eventually gained competence with her craft.
Since returning from the religious heartland of the USA, her hairdressing chairside manner has deteriorated to the point of frightening intimidation.
Firstly I was accused of "going follicularly feral" while she was away. Not my fault…..it just grows that way. Blame God or my primate ancestors for making the hair that used to flourish on my head now sprout randomly from all those other places.
And anyway it was she who refused my repeated requests to provide a surrogate wife for 5 weeks to attend to little matters such as this.
Secondly, having subjugated me on the lowest chair available and fashioned short back and sides on one half of my noggin, she chose that precise moment to demand that I rescind several apparently unpopular domestic management decisions I had made during her absence, and in particular, make restitution for something she called
"your act of insensitive thickheadedness."
My usual democratic right of reply, debate and/or rude gesturing was guillotined with;
"Do you want to go around in public forever looking like a lopsided leprechaun GOF?"
"She who holds sharp scissors holds ultimate power."
I wish I had paid a whole lot more attention to religious instruction classes when I was young.
(And it's not like ALL her best crockery, cutlery and kitchen utensils went to the opportunity shop)