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Santa didn’t get to my place

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because he got upset by this little bit of misfortune in my driveway, swore at me and the reindeer, then moved on to the neighbours place.

While everyone is still busy digesting Christmas puddings, this is an abridged repeat story from last year.  Father Tom was rightfully a hero to the people he worked with.  I thought it appropriate to give him another airing before a new story about him next week.

                                   The World's Highest Toilet

This is a tale of how even the finest of human beings sometimes have difficulty ascending to the throne of leadership, and stumble under pressure at the last hurdle.

Missionaries, such as my old friend, Father Tom, together with Australian Government patrol officers did much to improve health outcomes in many remote areas of Papua New Guinea during the 1960's.

Some projects were more successful than others.

People in lowland areas of PNG suffer from endemic malaria, and in Fr. Toms district, infant mortality to age 5 was 50%, due to malaria, dietary protein deficiency, and gastro-intestinal infections. 
A nation-wide program was begun to introduce pit toilets, and Fr. Tom selected a nearby village for his first demonstration.

He explained the concept to the village Luluai (L) and Tultul (T) (generic titles for village chiefs), and left design diagrams with them.

PNG village society has survived for countless centuries without new fangled devices such as toilets, so L & T enthusiastically promised to build the structure just to humor the funny white man, knowing that none of his clan would ever easily adopt the concept of crapping in the same place more than once.

The small village consisted of 20 or so bush material huts built around a brushed-earth village square.

L & T selected a central location in the square and instructed the village men to dig the prescribed pit 6 feet deep with the shovels left by Fr. Tom.

After 2 feet they hit bedrock.

L & T went into conference and deliberated over this unforseen impediment to progress, and proposed a logical solution.  If you can't dig a pit toilet DOWN, then you obviously have to build one UP.

And so it was that a magnificent hollow-centred pyramid six feet high was constructed from softer earth scraped from the near vicinity.
The central core was reinforced with bush logs to prevent inward collapse.  An appropriate seat was carved from bush timber and mounted on the top.  A modesty wall woven from plaited bamboo strips was erected around the summit and the project declared complete. 
No roof was considered necessary because no-one was likely to use it….apart from, apparently, the visiting missionaries and patrol officers who kept coming up with all these peculiar ideas.

According to custom, new projects require ritual and ceremony before use, so Fr. Tom was summonsed to not only provide a spiritual blessing of the facility, but also to contribute a more practical "blessing" as a demonstration of how this modern convenience should be used.  

So, surrounded by the entire village community, Fr Tom completed the religious formalities, cut the ribbon, then followed the steps to the top and mounted the pedestal.
The surrounding privacy walls, whilst perfectly satisfactory for people of PNG short stature, unfortunately only reached up to neck height on the sitting Fr. Tom.

Somewhere during the process of focussing on the sea of inquisitive eyes below him, he rapidly and understandably became distracted from the immediate task at hand.

His failure to perform under pressure was a major setback to hygiene improvement in Papua New Guinea.

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About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

7 responses »

  1. OMG! FANTASTIC!And be honest – Santa didn't come because you have been a naughty boy!

  2. I get pee-shy in our 3 stall ladies at work sometimes. It's worse if someone walks in with me, rather than coming in earlier or later…Poor Fr.

  3. "Poor Fr."Fr. always told a great story with this…..embellishment increasing with each bottle of beer šŸ™‚

  4. Santa didn't come because you have been a naughty boy! What? Did Santa install some spying devices in my house when he was here last year? Now I don't know who to trust.

  5. I think he said it was something to do with reading chicks Tee shirts in your local shopping center.Especially the one written in braille.

  6. Especially the one written in braille. Ohhhhh…THAT one :-)Thanks for reminding me.

  7. I think it probably beat anything Santa had on board. Jocks, socks, and aftershave.


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