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Dear Dorothy,

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Dear Dorothy,

I am writing in to your help column because last week when I visited the local wildlife safari place, the man who looks after the ostriches gave me an ostrich egg to take home.  They don't want to keep them at the zoo, because if they all hatched then they would have too many ostriches to look after.

I thought it might be a good idea to give the egg to Mrs Gof.
The picture I am sending you shows just how very big this ostrich egg is, but I have some questions that I need your help for.

Do you know how long she will have to sit on it for?
If it is for a really long time, can she take some hours off, maybe when it's warm in the middle of the day so the egg won't go cold, to do all the cooking and cleaning and fix the things that break in the house and mow the lawn and do the shopping?
I am a bit worried that with all the attention she will need to give to the egg, I might end up being a little bit deprived of some attention myself, if you know what I mean Dorothy.

Maybe it would be for the best if I just threw it away.  It might  cause a whole lot of trouble like the Coke bottle did in "The Gods Must Be Crazy".

Because I don't have enough money to buy your magazine I hope you will be able to send a reply straight back to me.

Expectantly Yours,

Mr Gof.

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About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

19 responses »

  1. Just think of the egg salad that would produce for PeteGraham's BBQ!

  2. Dear GOF,The gender of the sitter when hatching ostrich eggs is irrelevant, so I suggest that you take on the chore of doing so. This will have the added advantage of allowing your wife to get on with her chores without you getting in her hair all day. This will also necessitate your buying some reading matter, which will be good for our magazine, as there are so many other cheap bastards like you out there who expect advice for nothing, that we are steadily going broke. I would also suggest that your long suffering wife sells the ostrich when it is hatched, and takes herself on a long sea voyage. Poor woman obviously needs some respite from her onerous duties of looking after you.Kindest regards,Dorothy.

  3. Holy crap, GOF! That's one hell of an egg. First garden parrots, now a garden ostrich?? GOF's paradise is most certainly that.

  4. Expectantly YoursYou continue to bring smiles!

  5. We did end up eating it. Tasted just like chicken egg. The whole unit weighed 1.25 kg, and the contents a neat 1 kg.

  6. Dear Dorothy,I wrote to you in all sincerity and expected to receive some useful advice, not aspersions being cast at my parentage and impudent suggestions that it is somehow mans work. I always thought your magazine was crap anyway and not worth paying good money for. I am going to write to Germaine Greer to get some proper advice.Disappointedly Yours,Gof

  7. We did seriously think of hatching it, but when I think of the size of the zoo bird I suspect we might have had some difficulty controlling it in our garden.

  8. Thanks m-t. Happy that you noticed.

  9. Dear GOF,By all means write to Ms Greer. I can assure you though that she has better things to do than sit on your stupid egg.Dorothy

  10. With the greatest of respect; Piss off Dorothy! 😉

  11. With the greatest of respect; Piss off Dorothy! 😉 With the greatest respect, I will.Dorothy.

  12. Strewrh. I think you had better go for a cholesterol check, GOF.This was a definite "laugh out loud" moment and Snowy (Dorothy) is clearly a new age person. Sharing the child raising?What is the world coming to?

  13. Please don't give Dorothy any encouragement with all her feminist capitalist new age rubbish……I trusted her for some serious intimate advice and look what I got.She'll eat her words when I get a picture of Germaine sitting on my egg.

  14. She'll eat her words when I get a picture of Germaine sitting on my egg

    As long as that's where it ends…


    Dear GOF,
    I regret that I am far too busy with rampant feminist activities to sit on your ostrich egg. However, out of admiration for your great self restraint (and lack of gender-bashing) by referring to Dorothy by name rather than calling her a you-know-what after she called you the offspring of unwed parents – I have decided to create a Midget-Me just for the purposes of egg-sitting. You will find her in the kitchen.
    Take that, Dorothy. I never liked you anyhow.

  16. There are some things I prefer not to think about 😉

  17. Dear G,I am almost speechless at the kindness of human beings. After all the psychological pain I suffered yesterday at the hands of that Dorothy person it is a joy to know you share my world, and have arranged for my egg sitting.Kind regards,Gof

  18. LOL – a great read GOF. One of my most treasured items is an Emu egg (blown of course) that a friend of mine found on her farm in Coonamble NSW. People here are always surprised at how big it is. I must say that it is far prettier than your ostrich egg!

  19. My ostrich is offended, but says hers is bigger 😉


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