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Guan’s bi-tri-penta-whatever-cycle

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The Bucket has always held permanent tenure over Row A, centre seat number 20, when it comes to providing applause for those gifted individuals who choose to lead the rest of us mediocre mortals by providing innovative design.

So it is time For Comrade Guan Bahua of China to step into the spotlight of centre stage and accept his deserved accolades from the rest of the world.

In the possibly forlorn hope of dispelling the rumour that this column contains little more than piss and wind, I have formed a business partnership with Mr Guan to market superior products to those nations labouring under the weight of flawed systems and objects.

Worldwide Patent Applications have been lodged for the following;

1. Kaleidoscopic traffic lights.  Each set individually equipped with an electronic equivalent of the WW2 enigma code machines.  Every day they will choose three new random colours from a palette of 75 to display in place of the repetitive and outdated red, amber and green. 

2. Ecologically sustainable telephone directories. These will be published with people in order of advancing chronological age rather than alphabetical listing.  Periodically just rip a few pages off the back to remove those subscribers who have probably dropped off the perch, and staple an annual supplement of new arrivals onto the front.  The pages off the back will be recycled to produce the new front pages.  See?  Simplicity itself.

3.Retributive smoke detectors.   They will spontaneously combust if you fail to replace the batteries after 12 months.

A prospectus is available from Guan-Gof Technological Solutions.

Cash donations may be made by following the links at  They will be gratefully received and promptly misappropriated

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About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

24 responses »

  1. my personal favourite Ecologically sustainable telephone directories – if I had any money I would invest….

  2. Hmm, I'm not so sure about the ecologically sustainable phone book, GOF. I don't really fancy my name adorning the toilet paper in an outback dunnie…

  3. Just teach your students how to recognise a good investment opportunity šŸ˜‰

  4. We're both going to be recycled Snowy….we shall live forever.

  5. GOF. Could you have a quick look and see if I'm due for recycle? I'm hoping to be only slightly over half way (subject to finger test results).

  6. Sorry
    Peter, I tried, but some stupid bastard apparently messed around with
    the old alphabetical listing and because you share your birthday with two hundred and seventy thousand others in the
    country I would need 30 years of reading to come across your name, by
    which time our page would probably have been ripped off the back.
    Stupid Guan. I'm gonna terminate our partnership.

  7. Darn. I thought you blokes were on to another good thing.

  8. We're both going to be recycled Snowy….we shall live forever.Why does that evoke images of coming back as dunny paper? I think my brain is stuck in a dunny groove today, GOF. It does that sometimes, and has to be flushed out with a good dose of JW. Just as well it's Friday…

  9. I love the traffic lights idea. Sometimes the traditional red, amber or green clashes violently with the shoes I've chosen to wear that day and it would be lovely to know that I may be greeted with something that matches or at the very least tones or compliments my footwear selection. I can't believe no-one thought of this before.

  10. Unfortunately there's not too many "good things" to be found in here. šŸ˜‰

  11. Keep flushing Snowy…….I can feel a good FNP coming on tonight.

  12. " I love the traffic lights idea."Thank you Vicola……I was beginning to think no-one was going to give appropriate support for this innovation. The research for it was of course driven by fashion considerations. Far too much emphasis was previously placed on motoring safety.

  13. Incidentally, are you getting drowned up there?

  14. Very unseasonably it is stunningly beautiful with clear blue skies. This happens up here whenever there is a low pressure system off southern Qld or northern NSW……it blocks the S.E. trade winds flow across the Pacific which normally gives us months of rain and drizzle. Sorry for those down south who have had such terrible flooding.

  15. 3.Retributive smoke detectors. LOL – I recently decided to try the self clean function on our oven. The fire alarm went off as smoke poured from the oven. Our smoke detector is tied into the electrical circuitry for the house alarm (so the security company rings the fire brigade if they call here and we don't answer). The manservant had to rip it out of the ceiling and call the alarm company – this then resulted in a very loud annoying "chirp" sound coming from all the code boxes to let us know something was wrong. This was the true definition of a retributive smoke detector!

  16. Just got home from a weekend away to discover 80 mil in the rain gauge. Sadly my rain gauge reads double and we have only gotten 40 so far but thats a big help.Might keep the rain gauge too just to pretend we live half way to your place.

  17. I know the chirping sound only too well…we were staying in a motel once and the chirping started. Removed battery from smoke detector. Chirping continued. Ripped SD from the wall. Still chirping. Placed SD in outside rubbish bin. No more chirping.

  18. A magnifying rain gauge! Gotta be a marketing opportunity there.

  19. Why stop at just kaleidoscopic traffic lights? Can we perhaps add more lights to the existing ones, thus increasing productivity by having a "don't go yet, we're just teasing" light, and a "quick, foot down cos someone with a ridiculous delusion of their own self importance is revving up behind you" light, and so on. Might make passing driving tests harder and thus result in less silly 17 year olds in daft cars on the road.

  20. There is a place for you PeteGraham in your Ministry for Transport.Could I modestly suggest that in between the amber and green, a purple "time to pick your nose" light?

  21. I laughed out loud at that one GOF. A pretty dull night here in the office with just me and Metallica's back catalogue to keep me company. I'm preparing for Guitar Hero "Metallica" which is due out today. Aha! Another one! Perhaps a pink sparkly one for "for the love of Pete change that crap you – and seeing as your car stereo is set so high and your windows are down – are listening and subjecting the rest of the queue of traffic to".

  22. A hand grenade through the window would work better. Sorry, I seem to have something going on for explosives at the moment.


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