So it is time For Comrade Guan Bahua of China to step into the spotlight of centre stage and accept his deserved accolades from the rest of the world.
In the possibly forlorn hope of dispelling the rumour that this column contains little more than piss and wind, I have formed a business partnership with Mr Guan to market superior products to those nations labouring under the weight of flawed systems and objects.
Worldwide Patent Applications have been lodged for the following;
1. Kaleidoscopic traffic lights. Each set individually equipped with an electronic equivalent of the WW2 enigma code machines. Every day they will choose three new random colours from a palette of 75 to display in place of the repetitive and outdated red, amber and green.
2. Ecologically sustainable telephone directories. These will be published with people in order of advancing chronological age rather than alphabetical listing. Periodically just rip a few pages off the back to remove those subscribers who have probably dropped off the perch, and staple an annual supplement of new arrivals onto the front. The pages off the back will be recycled to produce the new front pages. See? Simplicity itself.
3.Retributive smoke detectors. They will spontaneously combust if you fail to replace the batteries after 12 months.
A prospectus is available from Guan-Gof Technological Solutions.
Cash donations may be made by following the links at OhMyGof.swindle.org. They will be gratefully received and promptly misappropriated