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Observations of a bushie in town. (Part 1)

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market stall
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Economic necessity dictates that one day each week I have to get up before sparrowfart, drench myself with underarm stench-suppressant and slip into snazzy town clobber before motoring off to the big smoke to sell some potted plants.

We’ve been making a living like this for 29 years, the first fourteen of which were spent trading beneath blue plastic tarps at various nondescript flea markets during all kinds of weather.

Shopping centres opened their hallowed airconditioned vestibules and galleries for desperate  distinguished stallholders like me in 1999. Since then I’ve spent thousands of hours observing, taking notes, and scientifically evaluating the behaviour of my fellow Australians in their modern natural habitat; supermarkets and shopping centres.
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Accordingly, out of respect for this diligent scholarship, please refrain from disputing any of the following conclusions;

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1. Facts about Aussie blokes.
shopping-trolley
Twenty two percent of Australian men aged between 41 and 70 need a shopping trolley to aid locomotion.  They hoist and heave their magnificent quivering beer-bellies up on top of the trolley with breathless grunts of satisfaction before wheeling them into the shopping centre. Without the trolley the entire human organism would simply topple forward and coalesce into an amorphous blubbery blob on the floor.  These occurrences require mechanical or team intervention to stand the mass up again and mould it back into something vaguely resembling an evolved vertebrate.

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2. The truth about Manicure and Pedicure salons.

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manicure
(Exit data evaluation and analysis of 23,457 women and 7 men who went into Manicure Salons 1999-2013;)

 

12%   Manicure and pedicure treatments proved to be so elegant, glamorous and eye-catching that I would be favourably disposed to employing them all as Potting Mix Shovelers at GOF Horticultural Corporation.

87%    Nail painting was about as useful for improving physical beauty as thimbles would have been for bailing out the sinking Titanic.

1%    Never came out again. Assume they were asphyxiated by the noxious acrid fumes and ended up being disposed of in the industrial dumpster bins out the back.

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To be continued…….

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About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

21 responses »

  1. You Aussies are reputed as healthier and your findings illustrate this as the trolley only comes into play once the age if 40-ish is reached. Our American toddlers toddle as they learn to walk, then are lucky to reach adolescence without trolley-assistance for our excess frontage.

    Reply
    • My statistics at the lower end of the sample range are a little feathery MT because many twenty year-olds look like they are 40 and might have inadvertently been included.

      Reply
  2. I often feel that I’m going to be ‘asphyxiated by the noxious acrid fumes’ as I walk past some nail places let alone actually going inside!

    Reply
  3. You got me, GOF, regarding shopping trolleys, but not the nails, I might add. Kitchen scissors do the job nicely…

    Reply
  4. Beautiful display of plants, GOF. As a librarian I have fact checked all your stats and found them incredibly accurate.

    Reply
    • Thank you FD and I appreciate you looking over my statistical shoulder …..we wouldn’t want to mislead anyone by providing unreliable figures.

      Reply
  5. Observations on the species homo shoppingmallus. Not so rare sightings after all. Looking forward to part 2.

    Reply
    • Perhaps the stats are different in your temperate climate Judy……people need to drink a lot of beer up here in the tropics to regulate body temperature.

      Reply
  6. Hahaha I believe that the Australians have beer belly jousting. Yucky-boos!!

    Reply
    • I believe we also invented dwarf-throwing competitions. We’re a disgrace…..we should be thoroughly ashamed of ourselves. We had a high profile politician who engaged in public beer belly jousting events…….extremely yucky-poo!

      Reply
  7. I am visiting Queensland in November so I shall use these posts as a guide. Cheers!

    Reply
  8. It would be way more fun to see green amorphous blobs pushing shopping carts around than normal human beings. It sounds like some sort of carton. In America, shopping carts are for stealing and leaving on your lawn to bring down the property value of your house.

    I look forward to part two!

    Reply
    • We are always entertained by passing traffic in shopping centres. Shopping trolleys seem to attract every inconsiderate twit in Australia who think they have the right to use them for any purpose then dump them anywhere.

      Reply
  9. “cartoon”. See what your posts do to my typing?

    Reply

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