The ten most disappointing events of 2013

1.  They wouldn’t let Iran have The Bomb.  Dammit.  Why should some people be allowed to have The Bomb and others not?   If we had a level playing field for warfare, at the end of each stoush the UN could traipse around counting all the casualties, then post the numbers up on a big screen before declaring a winner and handing out the prizes.   Let the ‘haves’ be generous and jolly this Christmas. Give The Bomb to the ‘have nots’.  Bring back Proliferation.

2. For the 32nd year in a row Elle MacPherson refused to engage with me in any sort of repartee or even just a casual bit of philosophical discourse and intercourse.

3. Australian spooks blundered around phonetapping the wife of the Indonesian President and pretty much everyone else in the AsiaPac area with whom we should have respectful relationships.   Let’s go back to basics;  a few intercontinental ballistic missiles pointed in their direction. We could paint smiley faces on the nosecones, because I think we really should be as nice as possible to our neighbours.

4. American spooks phonetapped, emailtapped and generally invaded the privacy of every other human being on the planet. That’s patently inadequate.  If they were doing their job properly they would also put tracking and listening devices on each one of the 60,600 orangutans remaining in Sumatra and Borneo just in case one or two of them surreptitiously evolved into a sub species of Homo sapiens thereby threatening American homeland security.

5.  Justin Bieber bypassed my town on his Australian tour.

6.  Sea levels on the planet only rose by a poofteenth of an inch this year as a result of global warming.  Not good enough.  I live at 2500 feet ASL and I’d like to have some ocean views and beach frontage before I die.  A very disappointing result indeed. Burn more coal, people. Eat more beans. Bring back steam trains. They smell nice and they go “choof choof”.

7.  Beyonce bypassed my town on her Australian tour.

8.  Penny persists in pussyfooting around Sheldon and employing wit and whimsy to deal with his constant barrages of insensitivity .  Doesn’t work.  She needs to flatten him with a Miss Piggy style karate chop to his solar plexus then bind him up in a coil of copper wire, remind him of the German Physicist Johannes Stark (1874-1957) and that the azimuthal quantum number is in harmony with the relativistic interpretation of electrons moving at speeds approximating the speed of light, then hook the twerp up to the terminals of a 24 volt truck battery. That’ll fix ‘im.

9.  Australia recently gave China a little diplomatic talking-to following the sovereignty dispute the latter is having with Japan. Even David had the good sense to carry a slingshot when confronting Goliath.  We’re just using antiquated platitudinous boomerangs which come whooshing back and hit us in our credulities . Where’s our bomb?  THE Bomb.  Bring back Proliferation.

10.  The ‘P’ key on my laptop is cactused, along with the ), :, ;, ? and O.
Mother Necessity led me to the discovery of Mr Window’s onscreen keyboard which thoughtlessly hides most of what you are trying to write on the document beneath it.   It’s like performing laparoscopys in the dark. The results aren’t always accurate or pretty.

I’m going to sit on Santa’s lap in the shopping centre tomorrow and ask him if I could have a  P…… a really good one that will last me for a long time.

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_.S.    I have no  s are usb  orts to  lug in another keyboard.

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About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

32 responses »

  1. Lily says:

    I cannot dispute proliferation is an excellent boon for big business and global economies, as Japan will be building the circuit boards and Brazil will be providing spandex and …

    I *seriously* doubt you’d want to go with route but if you have USB ports on your lappy, you can buy an external keyboard (heck, you can go wifi if you’re got that or bluetooth as a middle step). You know me, if there’s one thing I like, it’s a new computer every 4 years or less. You being Smart, probably have a much older model. It may be Time, though, dear GOF. And Santa’s coming.

    • GOF says:

      Thank you for your wise advice Lily. I am immediately going to research Brazilian spandex then find out what the hell this ‘wifi’ and ‘bluetooth’ stuff you mention is. My knowledge of dentistry is limited.
      The computer is 5 years old and it’s probably full of viruses and porn so maybe it is time for a new one, If Santa let’s me sit on his knee for long enough I’ll ask him for a new laptop……an appropriate request in the circumstances.

  2. Lauri says:

    LOL and jingling all the way.
    Proliferation! Drink!
    Spying! Drink!
    Oh, what the hell, let’s just drink!

  3. Mike says:

    I have to expand your list to 11, sorry.
    Roger Waters Bypassed your town on his world tour. I know you probably don’t know who Roger Waters is, but trust me, it was a great disappointment.

    • GOF says:

      Me not knowing who Roger Waters is????!!!!

      George Roger Waters is an English musician, singer, songwriter and composer. In 1965, he co-founded the progressive rock band Pink Floyd with drummer Nick Mason, keyboardist Richard Wright and guitarist, singer and songwriter Syd Barrett.

      Thank you Google…….and I’m sorry he bypassed you Mike.

  4. Flying Ninja says:

    Bwahahaha! # 8 is my favourite.

  5. Snowy says:

    GOF for President. When we get one, anyway.

    I’ve been away for a while. Who’s Elle MacPherson?

    • GOF says:

      We established by popular vote here a few years ago that YOU will be President Snowy. I’m ineligible due to insanity.

      I’m buggered if I can remember these days what all the hoo-haa was about this Elle person……..wonder what she had that interested me when I was a boy. I must ask PeterMcc…..young fellas like him probably remember.

  6. AuntieBellum says:

    Justin AND Beyoncé???

    What a travesty! :(

  7. I agree, Penny needs to slap him one and just get on with life in general. Justin AND Beyoncé passed us by too, though we did get Nicole and Colin filming their film in my school town!

  8. lanceleuven says:

    Are you a fan of the local shopping centre? If so, I think there might be room for an eleventh disappointment after your final point!:

    Being banned from local shopping centre for scaring Santa.

    • GOF says:

      I’m a fan of shopping centres insofar as we make our living by selling our products at market days which are held in them.

      I’ve got enough dirt on all the local Santas to prevent me being evicted. ;-)

      • lanceleuven says:

        Hah hah ha! You’ve got inside info eh? Then I retract my previous suggestion for item eleven. It’s not what you know, or who you know, it’s what you know they’ve been up to that counts in life. :-D

        • GOF says:

          If I had the money I’d settle for bribing people, but as it is I’ll just have to keep on digging up dirt. My scandal shovel is always full. ;-)

  9. My dad played Santa for many years, and he got plenty of P on his lap …. so I’m sure there’s one to spare.

    • GOF says:

      Seems to me YOU would make an excellent Santa, GOM… you have a family tradition to uphold. I’ll send you some waterproof Santa trousers if it would help you maintain some chirpy hohohoing for the kiddies.

      • My dad had the natural white beard for it … I don’t. My dad also liked little kids … I don’t. I’m afraid too many parents would be upset by my telling their ‘little darlings’ they hadn’t been good enough to get anything from Santa – IF he even existed.

  10. I had both Justin and Beyoncé in my home town and there is still no world peace. Go figure.

  11. Aussie Emjay says:

    LOL re Justin Bieber… maybe just as well he bypassed you. I’m not a big Beyonce fan but I wouldn’t mind seeing her perform – I don’t like concert crowds though. I think the last “pop” person I saw in concert was Prince about 6 years ago. Most performers eventually come through DC so the opportunity is there…

    • GOF says:

      We miss out on most of the big name performers in FNQ, although sometimes we get some who are in the twilight or 5-minutes-to-midnights of their careers. Leonard Cohen and Kris Kristofferson are due in the next few months.
      Whenever I go to concerts I must have an aisle seat so I can escape when I need to….I’ve lost count of the number of concerts I’ve walked out of…. for a variety of reasons.

  12. kimkiminy says:

    Thoroughly agree about steam trains. And Penny & Sheldon. :-)

  13. amelie says:

    Argh! I usually just smash my keyboard with my fist. That works for a few minutes, plus it just makes me happy dammit.

    You’re so right about Penny! Geez you’d think with those Nebraska skills she would skip the formalities and just kick him in the bazinga.

    • GOF says:

      I was going to suggest the bazingas but in the interests of decorum I went for solar plexus.

      OK….now I’m going to try your fist remedy……gimme a minute and I’ll let you know how that goes…….



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      @%$# ;-)

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