Warning; Contains childish themes. Guidance from a juvenile recommended.
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The Bucket’s name is synonymous with philanthropic support of medical research around the world. Most notably, in this digital age, it is the primary benefactor for toe and finger nail wedge resection survivors.
Today many diseases both real and imagined are represented by empire building friends of pharmaceutical multinationals charitable organisations, and here at The Bucket we feel it is incumbent upon us to fill one of the few remaining vacancies. Haemorrhoids.
THE PILES FOUNDATION could not have been established without the compassion, wisdom, legal expertise and personal experience of Mr. Trevor Fulcrum Q.C., Senior Partner in the firm Smirnoff, Fulcrum and Gof.
The name of the Foundation was specifically selected to snare a percentage of ambiguous and/or inaccurately addressed financial transactions of;
(a) The Local Authority of Piles, Valencia, in Spain.
(b) The Estate of General Sir Frederick Pile, GCB, DSO, MC 1884-1976 Commander of anti-aircraft attacks in Britain during WW2.
(c) International Shag Carpet Makers Association.
(d) Pile Data Division of the Mathematicians Collective.
(e) The Museum of Graphite Pile Nuclear Reactors.
Whilst our primary funding source will be from these misappropriated innovatively procured monies we will also be selling inspirational tee shirts to foment a formidable and stubborn global movement which will demand the
ELIMINATION OF PILES FROM OUR PLANET FOREVER.
Please phone 1800 PUSHITGOOD during the next ten minutes to secure your collectors item tee shirt, personally worn, signed, strained and winced over by an actual piles sufferer, for the special price of just $49.99.
(plus $107.95 postage and handling)
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“International Shag Carpet Makers Association”
ROFLMAO!
We expect to reap buckets full of cash from the Shaggers Kim.
I thought “shag” carpet caused rug burns, not piles …
It all comes down to technique GOM. Technique.
Fabulous. Your Google search records must be full of financial opportunity.
A big tick for the End of the World counter on the left margin. Wish I had thought of that.
On a ridiculous note about building more imaginary problems, there was a push to include sadness at the death of a family member to be a recognised disease from the phsyco babble people. I think it was defeated but it was only the first attempt and the World seems to be suffering a growth spurt in gullibility. I’m sure they can get it with a little persistence.
Thanks Peter. I figured that seeing as every other halfwit had attempted to predict the end of the world, I might as well hop on the bandwagon of foolishness too.
People increasingly seem to view permanent happiness as a ‘right’ and any deviation from it as an abnormality which requires medical intervention. Sadness is an integral part of life and without it I doubt whether we could truly appreciate the happy times.
Damn…..I started to go all philosophical there……blame it on Snowy’s influence.
I don’t know whether they got an official disease designation for grief, but they did decide that it should now be medicated with anti-depressants.
Because god forbid someone should feel bad just because they’ve lost a loved one.
PILLS!!!!
‘Scuse me, but I think I’ll continue to work through that kind of thing the old-fashioned way.
A sign of caring has to be medicated. Sheesh. And they say I’m out of touch because I enjoy my PC.
Soneone’s been dicking with the measuring stick.
Ridiculous!!! It’s necessary to feel sad to go through the grieving process. Are we supposed to never feel pain of any kind?
Phooey.
It makes me wonder about how kids are allowed to grow up these days. Is the old tear jerker movie “Lassie come home” now restricted viewing? Heaven forbid a child cries.
“Someone’s been dicking with the measuring stick”! Nice phrase.
Hilarious! Would it were that a dose of Nobby Stiles were indeed a laughing matter. Well, when it’s someone else so miserably afflicted with a cluster of Chalfonts* I suppose one can muster a chortle at their discomfiture. To that end one can only hope the Foundation includes in its mission statement an undertaking to determine the cause of this foetid affliction and eliminate it? To that further end I would tender that my mates Civic Type R and it’s granite suspension would be a good place to start the search. Especially when mated with the pitted, pot-holed tarmac that prevails in my locale.
P.S. It’s your daughters fault I ended up here, having stumbled across her own deliciously frank treatise on life, the universe and everything. However, that shouldn’t dissuade you from keeping up the good work and continuing the provision of much mirth-laden entertainment! It’s cost me several laugh-out-loud hours strolling through your archive of wisdom and insight. One trusts it’s redundant backed-up to ensure it survives the apparently impending zombie apocalypse…?!
* Chalfont St. Giles. A benighted village in rural England, since it became rhyming slang for a case of arse grapes.
Thank you for dropping by Simon and also for your lesson in rhyming slang. When I next see Chalfont St. Giles being excavated on TV by the Time Team I will view their work in an entirely different light.
This blog started out some years ago as a favourably-weighted autobiography for Inga’s benefit, but it’s long since deteriorated and gone to the dogs.
The ’cause of this foetid affliction’ has been identified already by the Foundation.
Culprits are eating establishments created by a certain white-bearded and now deceased Colonel from one of the United States commencing with the letter ‘K’ , and another one which has some little twerp called Ronald associated with it.
We are accepting donations of explosives so our operatives can systematically rid the world of these scourges.
Oh, right – that’s why I’ve got away with it for so long, then; not being partial to Kentucky Fried Cat!! On the end of the world thing, I know exactly where it will go down as it is advertised on the wall of a building not two miles from my home. “The World’s End,” it proudly proclaims. It also carries an inscription within about the Mayan prediction so, at least until recently, I’d have said they know what they’re talking about.
It’s also a pub so that last exit won’t be all bad. Hic!!
I suspect 90% of human knowledge and wisdom was discovered in pubs.
If Universities were immediately converted into hotels the common man would have easier access to academic excellence and the world would
be a much better place..
I don’t understand why there is so much intellectual opposition to this
initiative.
So if you are sweeping in the misdirected corporate goodies, you are obviously in need of a highly-paid management cadre, lest you actually have to direct any of these precious funds towards the problem.
Just let me know.
I’m available to do nothing for big bucks!
Lauowolf, with an attitude like that you are precisely the right person for a high level management position in The Piles Foundation. Just so long as you’ve never been afflicted with hemorrhoids. We don’t want anyone in senior management who actually has any practical experience with the problem we’re trying to solve.
LOL. Great tee shirt GOF though I don’t imagine many would actually wear it…. perhaps you could provide a photo of yourself modeling it as incentive.
He’s in negotiations with Elle to do that …
Tee shirts have absolutely nothing to do with the negotiations I’m planning to have with Elle.
Thank you Emjay….as you would appreciate, the tee shirt took many hours to design, but as it is a young ladies tee shirt I’ve posted a free one to you and look forward to your photograph in return. You are precisely the sort of healthy model we would like to grace our colour brochures as an inspiration to all the sufferers.
I shall be anxiously checking my mail box every day…
The good news for me is I can get the t-shirt without postage. I’ll pick it up in store.
That’s ‘good news’ ????
Thanks for reading this shite Mike.
Did you invent that? That’s VERY fun (the slogan). You could sell that shite.
It’s all a product of my sick mind Lily……I will understand if you wish to sever our friendship at any time.
NEVER
You’re a class act.
Sadly, some of us can create their own T-shirt, sweat and all.
Added to what Peter said above – there are actually guys in the US collecting Veteran’s Disability Benefits because they contracted “piles” whilst sitting in a tank. “Your Tax Dollars At Work!”
Thanks GOM for your story too…..no doubt there are similar happenings in our military establishments…..anything Americans can do, we’ll copy.
It’s not just the UK that’s barmy, then! Still, it’s not the suspension and cushion thickness on tanks that’s at issue over this side of the pond – believe it or not, the EU is looking at imposing the same sort of emission controls on tanks as it applies to civilian market vehicles (with their much smaller engines). Yep – member states armies could soon be fined by Brussels if their tanks belch too much CO2.
Given that the modern tank lays down smokescreens by spraying diesel onto the hot exhaust pipe I can see our casualties increasing as battalion commanders start issuing orders like “No making smoke in this battle, chaps – we reached the emissions quota yesterday.” It’ll be yet another thing we have to ask the Americans for; “Hello, is that 10th Armoured Division? Could you send a few tanks over to our battlefield and lay on some smoke for us, please? We’ve hit the EU limit again.” Still, at least our troops aren’t crippled by four-minute miles.
Not surprisingly, I’m a UK Independence Party voter these days.
That story would be really funny if it weren’t true….so it’s OK to go around killing the enemy but don’t mess up the environment while your doing it.
Humans are really strange animals.
Well, since you bring it up I have to report that the yoghurt-knitting jobsworth brightly-coloured-knitwear-and-sandal-wearing bleeding hearts numpties of the liberati are indeed making moves to ensure that war is less lethal (for the enemy at least). Expect to see British troops in Afghanistan on your news carrying airsoft rifles. You’ll be able to identify former machine-gunners as they’ll have paintball guns.
Actually, this isn’t far from the truth (the less lethal aspect). When binned the nice loud shouty wall-smashing 7.62mm in favour of the M-16s piddling little 5.56mm we could carry more ammo as it’s lighter. This is good because our lads are finding that they have to put five or six of ‘em into Johnny Taleban before he even notices he’s got some holes he wasn’t born with. They also have to get within 300m or so to break the skin whereas JT, with his trusty loud, shouty 7.62mm AK gleefully starts turning coalition troops into colanders from 900m or so away.
As I said, we’re extending our health and safety at work culture to the battlefield. The enemy have never been safer!!! As you say, this would be funny if it wasn’t true…
Thank you. I know it should not be so, but it’s only 6 am and you have put a large smile on my face. Not because of the substance, but your style. When is the UK going to recognise your abilities and put you in charge of reversing all the PC bullshit? I’ll put in a word to Mr Cameron……apparently his wife is related to me due to a connection a few hundred years ago.
Ah. Mr. Camoron (or Cammiknickers, depending on whom you ask) – a living, life-sized haemorrhoid if ever there was one!! Mefinks his days are numbered, not because there’ll be the small but incredibly bloody piano-wire-and-lamppost-based coup my lot often find themselves fantasising about around the pub table, but because we as a populace have had all we can take in regard to broken promises about giving us an in/out referendum. It’s finally starting to dawn on him that he either gives us a binding vote or he looks for alternative employment in 2015. Euroscepticism is now practised by a large majority of the electorate. Strangely, that hasn’t translated into MPs for UKIP. Yet…
Damn, there goes my closest genetic connection to the royal family. Now I’ll have to check if I ever had a milkman ancestor who delivered to Buckingham Palace.
A-ha!!! So YOU’RE Harry’s real dad!!!
Shhhhh.
I’m determined to have the last word but none of any relevance whatsoever spring to mind at the moment.
OK….you win.
Laughing my unpiled ass off at all of this. You guys are just rocking and rolling (but do it gently) today!!!
Don’t laugh too powerfully Lauri. We’re still trying to discover all the causes of piles.
You’re right… we have some witty and delightful contributors in our circle of friends here who take the time to comment…..sure beats the hell out of the modern trend of just pushing the ‘like’ button instead.
Perhaps you could consider commandeering a calendar month in order to promote your new charity in the manner that November has become Movember? Perhaps you could suggest changing July to Pile-y?
With inspirational suggestions like that Lance I have no hesitation in appointing you Director of U.K. Operations for The Piles Foundation.
You should start an online store selling your tee shirt creations. You could retire with electricity then!
Yep, I could burn all the unsold tee shirts as fuel for an electricity generator.
Way to go, GOF!
Or not, as the case may be.
Touche!
This was a classic, GOF. By the way I hear beans and tacos are good causes of nuclear reaction piles.
(On a Debbie downer note, I wanted to check in about the state of your country; I know I’m being ignorant about geography, but I’m assuming you guys are safe from the horrid fires? Hope so xo)
Thank you Amelie. I think I don’t need to hear anything more about piles…..it gives me the creeps.
The state of our country; It illustrates the diversity of our ‘wide brown land’.
Two weeks ago bushfires were raging in all the Eastern States…even Tasmania, way down near Antarctica. Most are now under control. Locally we had a very dry ‘dry season’ but our rainforest does not burn as easily as the eucalyptus forests 40km inland from us.
Today the following local weather warnings were issued;
1. Flood warning for all our North Queensland coastal areas. (up to 1 metre rainfall just south of us over 3 days)
2. Gale warning for strong winds from an ex-cyclone traversing overhead our place.
3. Catastrophic fire warning for country just 100 km west of us who had received no rain at all. Much of our inland grazing country has been burned in wildfires and cattle and native animals are dying in their thousands because of lack of feed.
It’s hard to survive off the land in Australia, whether you are a farmer or any other sort of animal.