This scourge managed to invade Australia last century, then multiply on a scale only previously seen with the rabbits, prickly pear and cane toads which had preceded it.
We now have a plague of calf-scour-yellow arches.
Good friends introduced me to this escapee from America 20 years ago. Despite their error of judgment they remain friends.
The quality of companionship on that day was five-star, whilst that of the food was kennel.
I vowed to never again allow such garbage to foul my perfectly pristine peristaltic processes.
Principles, even mine it would seem, can be compromised by hunger and desperation.
During my recent sojourn in Brisbane to bestow upon baby GOG some of the grandfatherly bonhomie and beaming conviviality for which I have become renowned, the only conveniently located take-away food establishment open for breakfast before the 7 am hospital appointment time was the House of McYuk.
Before entering, I paused and thought for a moment about the superior nutritional benefits which might accrue from ratting through yesterday’s left-overs in the KFC bins next door, but instead opted for something warmer and marginally less fetid and congealed.
Top of the breakfast menu I observed was a bacon and egg muffin thingy. (I’m attempting to avoid legal ramifications here)
My stomach and salivary glands spontaneously went into overdrive secreting gallons of digestive juices in preparation for receiving the item illustrated in glorious spotlit panoramic technicolor on the four-foot-square wall poster.
Bacon and egg muffin thingy
This was obviously going to be a meal of sufficient size and calorific value to fuel an overweight worm-infested Sherpa laden down with oxygen bottles all the way up the final 10,000 feet to the summit of Mount Everest.
I briefly gave consideration to stealing a neighbouring resident’s wheelbarrow from his back yard in order to cart this gastronomic monstrosity back to my motel, then hiring a crane to hoist it up to the third-floor balcony before somehow squeezing it through the doorway to my room using a system of rollers and a crowbar.
The product was made even more enticing by the promise of “freshly cracked eggs”.
Now I just happen to be an enthusiastic disciple of the Freshly Cracked Eggs Movement.
No antique-cracked eggs for me. You may well prefer the added crunchiness, chewy embryonic texture and subtle salmonella taste of more mature cracked eggs, but all-in-all I remain an admirer of the “freshly cracked” variety. Call me pernickety.
As it turned out I never did have to go and look for a wheelbarrow.
After taking two little nibbles I felt sorry for the starving anorexic-looking cricket who had spent all night in room 309 with me unsuccessfully attempting to gnaw her way into a sachet of raw sugar, so I gave the remainder to her.
She gulped it down in a single mandibular mouthful, then hopped up into my shirt pocket after which we wandered back across the road to the KFC bins in search of a proper-sized breakfast.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
Omg! Hahahaha!!! I’ll never be able to drive past the calf-scour yellow arches again without laughing my (bigger thanks to Icky Mc-y D’s) butt off!!! You are hilarious.
Can you say “Pristine Peristaltic Processes” like Donald Duck?
Thank you Lauri. I can say “pristine peristaltic processes” like DAFFY Duck….is that close enough?
By the way, the artwork is truly frameable.
“Framed” by the toilet bowl as it gets flushed away!
I have a new law to be passed in Australia: men intelligent enough to use the word “bonhomie” shall be not allowed to enter a trash establishment such as Mickey Ds. I think what they forget to tell you is those english muffins are more than twelve years old and have been retrieved from a dumpster from the back of some all-night diner. At least, that’s how they taste.
ps I know some people who call themselves professional cartoonists whose work would pale in comparison to that cartoon you drew. I love it and wish I could have a copy.
Thank you Amelie, you are very kind.
I’m not sure anyone at all concerned about their nutrition and homeostasis should enter one of these places….except when faced with starvation as I was.
It is interesting how obscure words like “bonhomie” suddenly pop up from some hidden recess in the brain when writing blog stories. I would never use them in everyday conversation.
Have we imported Jack In The Box down to you poor Aussies yet? I like them because they serve breakfast 24 hours a day. That alone makes me a fan.
“because they serve breakfast 24 hours a day”
They certainly serve SOMETHING 24 hours a day Kim, but I’m still deciding whether it’s “breakfast” or organic waste.
The 1st time I tried one of those I thought that I had missed something, since there was all the fuss about how great they are. So I ordered another one. I found it to be almost the same as the 1st but somehow slightly better. This intrigued me. So I ordered a 3rd. Sure enough, the 3rd was just a bit better than the 2nd. I don’t recall how good the 4th one was but I woke up in the intensive care unit. Who knew arteries could clog up that quickly?
Thanks for sharing your experience Rich. On the following morning I had to decide whether to buy 5 of these morsels to fill my belly up….but I opted for some other larger-sized item off the menu.
Hope your stents and daily aspirin dose are still working well.
Truly a man of refinement, GOF. I dips me lid to your verbal and artistic depiction of capitalism’s covert plot to destroy the masses of the world.
Thank you Snowy. The route to world domination is via the Alimentary Canal.
I say on behalf of my fellow Americans, GOF, I’m sorry. Truly. But soon Aussies will be just as fat as we are.
Thank you Elyse. Apology not necessary unless you are actually Mrs Mc or Mrs Sanders. I’ll start posting pics of Aussie fat people on my blog to prove that we have already caught up with Americans.
“I’ll start posting pics of Aussie fat people on my blog to prove that we have already caught up with Americans.”
I’ll sue!
I said “fat” people Mike….not muscle-bound so you’re safe.
We don’t need any sueage around here.
But … size doesn’t matter! That’s what my wife keeps telling me anyway.
(Hey, next time you want to not actually mention a product for fear of lawsuits … don’t post a photo of the actual wrapper, lol)
“But … size doesn’t matter!”
She’s right GOM…..the size of your bank balance is totally irrelevant.
Thanks for your legal advice…..I knew there had to be a weak litigation-avoidance link in there somewhere.
You should have tried a breakfast biscuit. That’s the only edible thing on McD’s menu. The rest of it isn’t worth feeding to maggots. (And it’s not like I have high standards. I like Burger King, after all…)
Thank you Auntie B for your recommendation and glowing endoesement for all the other menu items. The lawyers are going to be busy with us all today.
I don’t remember seeing a ‘breakfast biscuit’ on the menu…..next time I pass by I’ll peer in the window and have a look…..that’s the closest I’ll get.
Your points are well taken: unfortunately, when you’re driving across the rural Western United States, McDonald’s and other fast-food joints are the only places where one can grab a meal. (Some gas stations sell packaged breakfast sandwiches and hot dogs, but buying food at a gas station is well…why do you think they call them gas stations?) When I’m organized I’ll pack sandwiches and drinks made at home, and if I’m really lucky, I’ll stumble across a small-town diner or co-op with a deli. If your trip requires being on the road for more than a day or two, however, it’s impossible to avoid a Mickey D’s. I like the yogurt parfaits, but I’ve been told those are for children with parents who still think their kids should eat healthy food. Lord knows the yogurt cups are tiny enough.
Fortunately we still have plenty of options for take-away food in most cities and small country towns during the daytime…..a lot of old 1950′s style cafes still remain. If you need food ‘out of normal business hours’ though you have to go to one of these 24-hour franchises.
Thanks for your advice re the yogurt.
Is that my helicopter flying off into the great unknown again?
I must confess I do rather like the Mighty Angus.
“I must confess I do rather like the Mighty Angus.”
Is this some sort of diety I should know about?
Ouch. Take it easy on Mc-y D’s. When we were nomadding around Oz we were often hanging for a McCafe coffee. Some country towns had great quality but others were terrible. The only place where Maccas was let down was in Perth for some strange reason. At the risk of offending the politically correct the staff there were mainly Indian and disinterested. I had the distinct impression they were managed by the same owners.
By the way, I like their new kilo joule menus even though the staff don’t. Apparently it takes longer to serve because us customers keep weighing up the better choices based on the stats. I reckon that means a blow has been struck in trimming Maccas customers which has to be a good thing.
Sorry for causing offense Pete…..I didn’t try the coffee…..after previous experience I was scared 3 bucks would only buy me a thimble-full.
Let’s not worry about political correctness here…..let’s chat about Indians. I recently wrote about how great it was that you could hop into the front of a taxi in Australia and chat to the driver about every topic on earth….well…..Brisbane trip, taxi to and from the airport….$50 bucks each way….Indian drivers…..the first one said nothing….NOTHING….didn’t even reply to my courteous “Good morning”, or thank me for my custom…….second one said nothing for the first 20 minutes then started complaining about a rude customer for the last 5 minutes. I’m going to start a movement to bring back rotund Aussie taxi drivers.
I feel a lot better after sharing that.
Some Injuns took over the servo at the bottom of the Westgate bridge and stuffed up the service. I have seen queues right out the driveway but they still insisted on keeping half the bowsers locked out.
Lost me for good. Maybe that’s what happened in Fiji. (Now that’s real political incorrectness.)
Whatever’s happening in Fiji it’s a mess even though I can understand the reasons behind the original coup.
Personally I don’t think you should be so derisive towards Maccy D’s. How they manage to create food with less nutritional value than the packaging it comes in is truly a scientific marvel. It defies all known laws of logic and reason and consequently should be celebrated for pushing the frontiers of food science knowledge.
That aside, I wouldn’t recommend actually eating any of it though. That’s just madness.
“That aside, I wouldn’t recommend actually eating any of it though. That’s just madness.”
Thank you Lance, I should have sought your wisdom before allowing any of it to pass my lips…….from what little I had to sample, the bread didn’t actually taste like bread…..it was sorta……like something from some other planet.
HAHA.. wonderful. I regret not having seen your blog earlier. Subscribed!
Thank you for your visit and comment Sami…..nice to have your company.
Forget the McDonald’s, I’m more concerned that your wind turbine has one too many rotors.
It was designed by a Dutchman………….apparently.
When I was in my first year at uni one of these establishments opened quite near (walking distance) and we students were showered with “buy one, get one free” deals. Being starving students we paired off quickly and went to taste test this new “restaurant” … I have not eaten from the chain since. The manservant constantly tells me that I would starve on a road trip across the States as I have not found a “fast food” here that I like. I am partial to Aussie KFC and enjoy a zinger burger whenever home, but it tastes different here.
It is pleasing that I am not alone in my distaste for these establishments Emjay.
I must also admit to liking the taste of KFC but haven’t been there in years mainly due my vision of all the fat going straight to my arteries.
D2 developed a severe intolerance to dairy food after developing chronic fatigue, but the last dairy food her system could tolerate was the cheese on a McYuk burger. One can only surmise as to its ingredients but I have long suspected it is not a dairy product.
Every ingredient in this product tasted artificial to me FD…God knows what went into it….or perhaps She is equally bewildered.
There are few things in this world quite so wrong as a McDonald’s breakfast. Egg McFlat-things, Sausage McSquished burger. All wrong wrong wrong. You’re much better off finding a local greasy spoon cafe and having a big crispy bacon sandwich.
Ahhhh… why did I not have the wisdom of your experience Vicola before entering this establishment.