Australians love to build oversized meaningless monuments which elevate their otherwise ordinary, drab and uninteresting little towns into more conspicuous positions to trap some tourist dollars.
Closer to my home is the town of Mareeba, the gateway to vast expanses of cattle country in the Gulf to the west, and Cape York Peninsula to the north. (the huge pointy bit at the top right hand corner of Australia.)
Mareeba has a big Brahman bull.
Over the years Mareeba has had several monumental Big Bulls which were always, after a very short period of time, converted into castrated steers by testicle souvenir hunters.
The local Council after finally having had more than enough of all this continuing ballocks decided to have this special bull made from case-hardened vandal-resistant steel.
Four years on, and the bull remains entire, despite obvious attempts by hacksaw, hammer, bonfire and oxy acetylene to expropriate his private parts.
Now coincidentally, just while I was comfortably contemplating what sort of literary award I should receive for this exemplary piece of investigative journalism, a busload of Japanese tourists arrived to find an old man prostrate under the bull, camera in one hand, and the other one palpating the scrotal metallurgy gathering evidence to establish the various modes of vandal attack documented above.
Realising that my motives could have been misconstrued or at the very least not fully understood, I decided that acting out a charade of the statue's history for the numerous Nikons and Canons sticking out of the bus windows would be the most appropriate way to overcome the language barrier, whilst also endowing our visitors with a unique impromptu cultural and educational experience.
They must have been in a hurry though, because midway through what I thought was a quite theatrical portrayal of "castration" the bus took off in a cloud of dust.
I remain dedicated to documenting the truth, and providing cultural insights and understanding for readers of The Bucket.
Occasionally I am even prepared to sacrifice a little of whatever dignity I have left for that noble cause.